the inconsistency of my consistency is astounding.
particularly in regards to my yoga practice. a regular practice alludes me. my excuse? fear. for the mat reflects exactly what you need. and sometimes, facing that can be challenging. perhaps you are not ready to let go of creature comforts, or the illusions guarding the truth. perhaps you don’t feel emotionally or mentally equipped enough to handle the changes — the rawness of a real transformation.
i know i often don’t.
this past saturday in my yoga teacher training our day was devoted to ‘simple backbends’. knowing my distaste for backbends in general and remembering my prior experience with backbends in my first teacher training, i felt ill at ease stepping into the studio that day.
mid-way through our practice the unravel began. the “i-can’t-do-this” thoughts started up. tears began to leak from my eyes and i realized there was nothing i could do to stop their impending flood.
so i cried. openly. embarrassingly. in a room full of people i only sort-of know. our teacher spent half of lunch comforting me and prodding me to dissect the reasons for the melt-down. i hid my face and splashed cold water on my puffy eyes. i waited for relief i did not anticipate.
however, wouldn’t you know it, shortly after the two hours i spent crying, a calmness spread through me. i settled down. compassion came out, and i was able to hold space for what happened, for how i was feeling, and for the reasons why i felt the way i felt.
after class my teacher asked me how i was feeling. i said better. tired, but better. she told me my eyes looked clearer.
often, a breakdown leads to a breakthrough.
we move through our messy thoughts, notions, and fastly held beliefs to come out healed, soothed and salvaged by a release of scattered emotion. we end up softer, with a new perspective on our life and its situations.
in crumbling, i unknowingly gave myself the opportunity to rebuild.
on saturday, i recognized old, tired fears yawning to life. they were nothing new but they were nothing to ignore, either. attempting to swallow down what wants to come up is like trying to cork a geyser into the ground.
if i had tried to stop the outflow, i’m not sure i would be here now, feeling confident in my understanding of my fears and willingness to be consistent where inconsistency has reigned.
in yoga, the mat is your greatest teacher. let it be just that.
yours in growth,