the older i grow, the less patient my observer self is with my projections.
“little one,” it sighs, “you’ve nothing to be afraid of. he doesn’t hate you. she is not judging you. you hate you. you are judging you. it’s all in your head.”
and it is.
the feeling of incredible embarrassment and fear i find myself in when approaching a new task is unbearable.
last night i tried to sing. mind you, i sing all the time. alone, in the ailes of stores, out loud in my car. i love to sing. so why, when faced with singing in front of the one person i know for certain loves me unconditionally, do i ball up into a tight package of ‘no’?
because my fear mind jumped to attention. my ego inflated itself beyond measure and taunted me down from that ladder of hope i’d scrambled up.
“no, no, no!” my ego shouted. “you cannot do this. remember? you can’t. you’ll sound stupid. you’ll sound silly. he will judge you and think you are doing terribly. why try?”
why try? well, for millions of reasons.
one being, the older i get the less patience i have for this habitual mind bullshit. because i know now how i am keeping myself locked up. i know now this little voice is not the real me. i know now how easily fear can be wiped out. i know i am not controlled by it, but instead by my willingness to believe in it. in the end, that belief is a transparent leash.
last night, for a moment, i witnessed how useless to myself i was being. why would i want to trap myself up like that? it didn’t feel good. it didn’t feel right. it felt more like regurgitated patterns of a scared little girl who learned a long time ago an incorrect lesson about being seen for her true self.
projections can be mighty. we allow them to stop ourselves from doing whatever it is we truly want to do. out of fear, we tangle ourselves up in different reasons for why we cannot do something, or why so-and-so doesn’t like us, or why such-and-such isn’t a good thing to do. we hold ourselves back from evolving, from flourishing. and we wonder why happiness feels always right around the corner!
in day dreams i see how wild and free my spirit is. i see her gushing the creative ocean she is. i see her laughing with abandon and see her sweeping up herself and friends and strangers in the love she knows she is, in the love she knows everyone is. she is real. she is tangible.
the leash? the leash is not.
love, light, peace, and beauty —