last night i went to sleep wrong and woke up not right.
tired old anger moaned internally as i opened my eyes. orange luminescent sunlight greeted me. blue sky stretched endless, cloudless. unnatural winter beauty twinkled and shined in early morning newness.
tired old anger raged on.
at 9:30 i took a yoga class.
i did not like it.
yogis lined the room, mat to mat, padding the wooden floor with rubber and flesh. we inflated and deflated together. during the hour and a half, i noticed the people too much, the uncomfortable, rigid flow i did not expect. i breathed and i moved all through the heaviness of judgement and dislike. i left class unsatisfied.
afternoon trickled by, weighted with the blues. to better enjoy the radiant sun, i spun with bare feet inside my hoop. few bodies moved through the open park. i felt alone and peaceful, blessed by the chorus of birds and the cawing of crows and the shuffling of squirrels.
with sun on my face, i continued to breathe, taking moments for gentle yoga and meditation for further release and acceptance.
while i danced and sat, a thought floated up to me:
how silly to think life will go my way.
‘way’ is simply an attempt at control, an attempt to plan accordingly. life, though, has no ‘way’ — it only is.
‘my way’ often impedes me from allowing ‘what is’ to surprise me. ‘my way’ distracts me from seeing how events are unfolding in real time. realistically, what i want to happen will not — detail to detail — happen. grasping to the image of a ‘perfect’ situation sets me up for immediate distaste and eventual resentful anger.
ultimately, what i want generates expectation, desire, and the grasping on to of a specific occurrence. when i find i do not get what i want, i contract into frustration.
i fell asleep last night on moods trampled by expectation. i woke up anticipating a yoga class that did not happen. i ended up in two separate situations that did not mirror my wishes.
instead of moving forward with acceptance and seeing my present as another type of gift, i got mad, and sulky. i allowed my negativity to drag me away from the light of my present and into a barrage of self-pity.
what i failed to see was the beauty. while i pined for what i wanted last night, i missed the opportunity to nourish my self and my body with restful alone time. this morning as i critiqued and questioned the yoga flow, i missed the chance to settle in and explore my body and breath in a new, possibly expansive way.
i shut down avenues of life’s expression because i remained entrenched in what it was i craved and desired.
now, as evening melts the sky, i sit a little lighter, a little more grateful.
letting go will do that.