life will not go your way

last night i went to sleep wrong and woke up not right.
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tired old anger moaned internally as i opened my eyes. orange luminescent sunlight greeted me. blue sky stretched endless, cloudless. unnatural winter beauty twinkled and shined in early morning newness.

tired old anger raged on.

at 9:30 i took a yoga class.

i did not like it.

yogis lined the room, mat to mat, padding the wooden floor with rubber and flesh. we inflated and deflated together. during the hour and a half, i noticed the people too much, the uncomfortable, rigid flow i did not expect. i breathed and i moved all through the heaviness of judgement and dislike. i left class unsatisfied.

afternoon trickled by, weighted with the blues. to better enjoy the radiant sun, i spun with bare feet inside my hoop. few bodies moved through the open park. i felt alone and peaceful, blessed by the chorus of birds and the cawing of crows and the shuffling of squirrels.

with sun on my face, i continued to breathe, taking moments for gentle yoga and meditation for further release and acceptance.

while i danced and sat, a thought floated up to me:

how silly to think life will go my way.

‘way’ is simply an attempt at control, an attempt to plan accordingly. life, though, has no ‘way’ — it only is.

‘my way’ often impedes me from allowing ‘what is’ to surprise me. ‘my way’ distracts me from seeing how events are unfolding in real time. realistically, what i want to happen will not — detail to detail — happen. grasping to the image of a ‘perfect’ situation sets me up for immediate distaste and eventual resentful anger.

ultimately, what i want generates expectation, desire, and the grasping on to of a specific occurrence. when i find i do not get what i want, i contract into frustration.

i fell asleep last night on moods trampled by expectation. i woke up anticipating a yoga class that did not happen. i ended up in two separate situations that did not mirror my wishes.

instead of moving forward with acceptance and seeing my present as another type of gift, i got mad, and sulky. i allowed my negativity to drag me away from the light of my present and into a barrage of self-pity.

what i failed to see was the beauty. while i pined for what i wanted last night, i missed the opportunity to nourish my self and my body with restful alone time. this morning as i critiqued and questioned the yoga flow, i missed the chance to settle in and explore my body and breath in a new, possibly expansive way.

i shut down avenues of life’s expression because i remained entrenched in what it was i craved and desired.

now, as evening melts the sky, i sit a little lighter, a little more grateful.

letting go will do that.

z

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This entry was published on January 31, 2014 at 5:11 pm. It’s filed under emotions and stuff, head trips, life and living, life lessons, personhood, photography, words, writing, yoga and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

4 thoughts on “life will not go your way

  1. I’m an intense perfectionist attempting not to be, and when I go into situations I often have this image of how things will go and it so rarely happens that way, so I totally get you. It’s not just being realistic about life and my abilities, but also the fact that I just don’t know what’s going to happen, nobody does. It’s hard for me, but when I do eventually let myself go with the flow… it feels so right!

    • yes, totally! the not knowing what is going to happen can be a magical thing as opposed to a frightening, anxiety inducing thing! remember how good going with the flow feels :)

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