never did i expect to feel it. never did i anticipate merely becoming aware of it, either.
growing up i knew a lot of people. as a kid i flitted around all fairy like, chatting to whoever smiled at me. i want to say not much has changed, but it has. i still flit. i’m still part fairy. i still chat with whoever offers up a showing of teeth. now though, the connections i make vibrate in my heart.
i chalk this up to finding an ability to receive, finally. this is where fireworks explode and marching bands rejoice and crowds of people clap till their hands ache. yes, this discovery is that big of a deal.
i love people dearly, and so deeply. the concept of sharing and giving delights me simply because seeing another person happy generates happiness within my own being. if i can give, i generally will, happily and readily.
however the constant pouring out leaves a lot of empty space within me. quite often i opt to leave it empty, to continue to drain the wellspring of love pooled in my heart, continue to expand and expend. rarely will i take what is given to me and rebuild my reservoir.
yet, what i learned and am still learning is this: in order to give fully, one must receive just as fully as she gives.
love begets love, meaning love cannot grow without love.
which leaves me asking why is accepting and receiving love so damn difficult?
when i asked myself why receiving love did not come easily i found unsettling answers.
in the deep down darkness i found i still believed i did not deserve love. i found i did not think i mattered enough for it. i found the idea that love was reserved for other people, not me.
these realizations wowed me. what a sad, self-limiting, self-depricating set of beliefs to blindly bind myself to. a person does not quality for love. there are no tests to pass. each and every human deserves love purely because he or she is alive, with a heart beating and lungs breathing. it is not complicated.
further investigation led me to see that accepting love into the heart truly means valuing oneself as an individual.
it means abandoning those ideas keeping love out of life. it means acknowledging the idea that you and i do deserve love, that we are worthy enough to feel supported, cherished, and valued. it means relaxing into the notion that we are whole and worthy of receiving and feeling all that love that is given to us.
i cannot, just as you cannot, keep giving and giving without ever choosing to receive. a car cannot run and run without stopping to refuel. our bodies require food to work, our souls require love. to withhold love from yourself is robbing yourself of one of the greatest treasures of and reasons for being alive.
as the new year unravels, i invite you and urge you to see where you can let love into your life. i ask you to draw it in willingly and abundantly. i want you to feel just how much you matter, how much you are worth, and how much you are loved.
because you are. dearly and deeply. by every living, breathing, shaking thing in existence.
choose to open up to that.
choose to open up to love.