perhaps i am lacking appreciation for the month of december, perhaps i am not living in the moment. but i find myself perched on the impossible edge of the unknown, madly sketching to life visions of the future.
over the weekend i graduated yoga school. i got my certificate. i got my class photograph. i got a lot of love and congratulations. however, here i am. regular old zoe on a regular old monday, day dreaming about how to implement the mass of knowledge just imbedded into me.
truth be told, i am nervous. beyond that, i am terrified. the implementation process requires me to be vocal, to showcase who i am and what i believe out loud. it requires me to trust so fully and so completely in my self, my knowledge, my abilities. that type of faith is not intrinsically built into me. i am a self-doubter. of that i have no doubt.
presenting yourself as a teacher or as anything, really, demands a certain type of acceptance and a certain type of vulnerability. i continually question if i can provide either.
through out the entire process of obtaining this certificate, my peers and mentors encouraged me tremendously. the positive reactions i received occasionally overwhelmed me and occasionally still do. these comments, given from a place of pure love, generally do not make it to my heart. instead, they settle down into my brain, where i mull them over and question their obvious authenticity.
i can’t be that inspirational…can i?
i can’t be that relatable…can i?
i can’t be that endearing, that intelligent, that perceptive…
i think, just maybe, these reservations are why i did what i did. they are why i spent three months buried beneath yoga assignments. they are why i gave up my weekends to study in a studio surrounded by twenty-four women. these fears are why i surrendered.
i am good at scaring my self shitless.
i know this because i healed my self from an eating disorder in part because i dared to attempt the things that shook me out of fear. i dared confront the roots of my issues, the ones hidden behind the food, behind the exercise, despite my internal, instinctual, habitual reactions of ‘no’. though sirens and alarms screeched and my stomach flipped inside out and my internal critic drove into critical overdrive, i did it anyway. i did it when i felt like throwing up, when i felt like curling up into nothingness, when i felt like dying. i did it because i knew i had to.
and i will continue this yogic journey into the realm of the teacher because i know i have to. fear be damned.
if i learned anything from the journey of becoming a teacher, i learned just how much i love yoga. i learned how much joy i experience when watching students unwrap the gift of yoga. i learned i have a voice, and, furthermore, that it is okay to leverage it.
mostly, i learned just how much love, healing, and inspiration i have to offer.
i may not be a writer like i thought. i may not be a care taker. i may not be a therapist. i may not be any person i ever thought my self to be. but i do know i am a teacher, of love and of joy. i do know i am a healer. and i do know i am much more than i think my self to be.
as 2014 quickly approaches, i find less and less cause to support fear, to encourage it. there is too much left to waste in its fires. these fears are, after all, self-constructed. which means i have all the power needed to deconstruct the barriers i myself created. liberation rests solely within me.
yoga taught me i have a voice and yoga will teach me how to use it. of this, i am certain. of this, i have no doubt.
i may now be a certified yoga instructor but to me, this is the real start of my journey. this is my beginning of beginnings. this is my now, and it is new and it is scary but it is also awe inspiringly beautiful, too.