last night, as i calmly drove out of the city toward home, a car blasted through a stop sign and narrowly missed careening into the front passenger side of my car.
there was not enough time to break in reaction. there was not enough time to do much of anything except gasp.
i do not stay long in the ‘what if’ land because i do not wish to drive my self mad. there is no ‘what if’ there is only what happened. but, what if i had died? truly, what if the car slammed into me? what if we both spun into our graves?
the notion of death keeps arising, all around me. leaves on trees forfeit their green, slowly wither till they meet the ground, their final seasonal resting place. dead animals line the roads, victims of cars. a pile of relationships between people i know have recently disintegrated after months and after years. the person i thought myself to be is taking her mask off,exposing herself to me and burying this false self i’ve come to rely on.
death allows me the space to examine life. am i living in accordance with the language of my own heart? the one true answer, ringing clear like a fog horn in the night, screams: no. no, i am not.
there is a lightness in death, an illumination. i recognize i have been selfish and redundant, circling.
what do i see past my shoes when i study the ground so intently? who am i disregarding when i do? the divine in the scenery? the universe swirling and pumping in the hearts of other people?
the world functions better on love. my world floats a little lighter, magic trips out my finger tips, i am electrically attuned. my inner compassion soars and wraps like a blanket, protecting, holding, warming.
yet, the days of living like this seem to be more fantasy than reality. here, on the ground, i am stomping about cluelessly, blindly, foolishly. i ask my self, what thoughts rest behind my action? what motivation creates my situations? what am i choosing not to see or acknowledge? what am i bringing into existence through my action, words, and thoughts?
what am i doing to block the light of love from shining into the world?
whatever arrived in the dark last night tripped me to my knees, flattened the ego out of me like breath lost.
but i keep coming back to a warm encouragement:
“you have to forgive yourself or nothing will happen.”
i keep coming back to:
“you are okay. you have to forgive yourself. you did not do anything intentionally wrong. there is no wrong, no right, only experience. you learned a lesson about your limitations on love, toward love, with love. vulnerability is an issue, trust, faith. fear, doubt, and anxiety. where does this come from? what about worthiness? you are okay.
humbly bow into your self, rest a while.
know you are learning. love is not about you — love is about other people. open heart, consider the word.”
and, like that, i know that i am okay.