i feel the peeling back of skin to get at the insides.
i feel the poke of the doctors fingers, hands, instruments.
i continue to feel the delving in, the scraping, the cleaning, the discovering.
i remember the day i signed up for yoga school. i was at work, standing the in the kitchen, wearing a dress and cooking. the kids played in the other room, allowing me to sit alone with the simmering of a stove and the buzzing of my thoughts, endless in their current.
the entire week felt strange. i was a captive, of my mind, my emotions, my day-to-day. the idea of yoga school reintroduced itself the week prior, though i dismissed it as i had three years before.
what about the strength i did not have? what about the flexibility? what about all my limitations?
it was all i could think about, these excuses. if only my silly mind knew what yoga encompassed, completely.
so far, we have traveled six weeks together, me and the twenty-four other beautiful souled women who make up my class. the experience is intense. to the outsider, yoga school may look simple — learn the poses! practice the poses! get together and chant, om, om, om, be grateful!
but, it is much more than its simplistic appearance.
nearly all the questions, confusions, and frustrations i’ve experienced in my life are surfacing. my body has practiced asana, the physical aspect of yoga, more than it has in two years over the past six weeks. i am reading materials that seem to be speaking directly to me. i am meditating, breathing, acknowledging, and healing — all by choice.
never in my life have i wanted to study. never in my life have i wanted to commit myself to anything, completely. i was never studious, never one for settling and focusing. i am regularly a social being, who butterflies around constantly, hopping from one event to the next. however, since this deepening process has started, i have been more interested in staying home on friday nights to do homework.
i have never been this person before.
but she feels right.
each day feels lighter. i am waking up to the beauty of life i have not been able to feel directly. there is real gratitude in my heart. there is real happiness and real clarity and real self-love developing. there is a real connection.
at the beginning of school, i sensed incredible fear. this path of self-discovery though, of attention, focus, and dedication, is not scary. it is one of the most beautiful acts of my twenty-four years of life.
today i woke up to an empty house. i woke up to a neighborhood quiet beneath skies muddled grey. i woke up to sensation, the urge to write, sing, dance, hoop, create.
i woke up, thankful.
i cannot wait for what else is to come.