the silliest, most frustrating aspect of my mind is its insistence on zeroing in on the darkness.
it breathes life into the mind-made monsters so i lose track of what is reality and what is not. whatever ground my feet stand on shrinks and the foundation i think i have built shrivels and cracks and falls away.
this isn’t bi-polar. this isn’t depression. this isn’t a disorder or a disease.
this is me.
this is my inflated ego-driven false self kicking my true, wild and free self down each time it decides to enter the world. this is me, shying away. i am scared, too scared to allow whatever light i carry to shine out into the world. i actively choose to obey the stunted and narrowed mind instructing me to be little, to be less, to be nothing at all.
i choose, no one else chooses for me, to think i am not worthy, not enough, not good, not lovable. i choose that. i choose to see the world and my self in it as a wholly negative space. i choose to see that i don’t belong.
two nights ago i sat crossed legged on the couch, feeling sensation crawling just beneath my skin, listening to the sound of my self flushing through my system. for a moment i managed to leave the home i’ve built in my mind and settle into the foreign landscape of my body.
i felt my fingertips, which was weird. i felt my heart, the blood in my ears, the tightness in my chest.
and as i settled, and as i breathed, an immediate realization snapped awake in my consciousness.
i do not know what i am made of.
i do not know much of anything outside of fear.
i do not know the whole world inside of me encased in bone, flesh, and blood. i do not know what tingles in my veins, what speaks to me in moments of intuition, or what vast valleys of knowledge line my heart.
i was left awestruck and wondering:
who am i, really?
i lose my self in the trappings of my animalistic, lower brain frequently. i get caught up in the “not enough”, the “i can’t”, the “it will never change”. simply put, i get caught up in my self so much i forget about the world right in front of me. i forget that not everything is about me, me, and more me. i lose sight of reality, of the love shining its damnedest right into my eyes.
it is easy to be scared, fearful, and mistrusting of the world and the people in it. trust me, i know. it is easy to sink into learned, negative thought patterns, to believe the universe is out to get you, that you deserve all your issues and “bad” happenings.
but what is not easy is daring to change those negative grooves. what is not easy is to rewrite you own script, to start calling to yourself the positive forces of the universe and stop reinforcing the negative ones.
what is not easy, but what is ultimately wickedly, beautifully, wonderfully rewarding, is believing in yourself, enough to know that you are whole, supported, loved, protected and cared for right now.
every little step, no matter the influence of negative or positive or some emotion in between, is an opportunity to see life through a positively refocused lens. you have the choice. you have the choice. you have the choice.
you already are whole.
don’t let your mind trick you into believing the opposite.