an open query

i am healthy.
IMG_5744
and well rested today.

i did yoga this morning, gave gratitude and thanks. i set an intention for being soft and yielding.

i practiced a self love exercise as suggested by my soul helper of sorts.

yesterday i hung out with a new friend. we saw a cute movie and ate good food. it was fun.

i am employed at a job i truly like and am engaged in. i do not dread it like i’ve dreaded past jobs.

i have a supportive, loving family.

adventures with friends new and old keep happening.

the universe has opened up myriad opportunities for me recently in the ways of relationships, careers, and happiness.

yet…

i seem to wake up, nearly every day, anxious. like i am holding my breath until sleep, when i go soft unintentionally. in the middle of my being i carry a tightness that won’t let up, no matter how many times i ask it to remember all the good things. this is where my stubbornness lives, and it is what weighs down my heart, my chest. good, beautiful, solid things are unfolding, right in front of me, but i feel unable to grasp them, to believe in their firmness. a part of me, the doubtful, critical, judgemental part, will not let me be.

i am not trusting the goodness or my self.

the cycles i’ve fallen into through out my life are hard ones to break. old emotional patterns, old ways of reacting, the past meeting the present and scaring it shitless.

i have a hard time letting go. most of us do, no?

i understand the power to change rests within me. i know stillness and quiet environments stimulate my inner voice. i recognize i am wasting time, by over thinking and analyzing and organizing.

so i guess what i am asking here is this:

from one anxious person to another,

how do you reground yourself in the true reality that you are a whole person, heading toward gorgeous beginnings and have nothing to be scared of?

i am tired of worrying.

z

(p.s: quite random but i want to offer a heart felt ‘thank you’ to you, my follower, my followers. thank you for reading my words, for sharing your own creativity, and challenging me to do the same. i appreciate your presence and would love to hear from you, if you care to share. namaste, precious ones!)

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This entry was published on March 27, 2013 at 11:24 am. It’s filed under anxiety, emotions and stuff, life and living, personal stories, photography, questions, thoughts and musings, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

6 thoughts on “an open query

  1. Hi Zoe,
    I came across your post on a quick search for personal stories, and it really struck me…personally. I understand the anxiety you are feeling, and I’m right there with you. Something that has worked for me over the years is something I call “music therapy.” Granted, I’ve never sought out professional help, and this is not a professional term, but I do find a calmness in listening to certain music–songs or musicians that positively move me. Some of the songs give me hope (heading toward gorgeous beginnings), and other songs remind me of happy times (I am a whole person). It’s amazing to me how my favorite music can change my mood-instantly!

    There is one other thing that shifts my perspective pretty quickly. A vanilla chai latte from the Nordstrom coffee bar. :) I’m not even sure why, but I think it has something to do with fond memories.

    I guess my point is, when dealing with anxiety, as I have for as long as I can remember, the way I rise above it is by recharging my mood with music (and chai lattes). This could work with anything that has ever made you feel good, even for just a moment; emotional recall can work in your favor too. (I know so often it works against us as anxious people.)

    • music therapy is totally a thing! it exists, under the umbrella of “expressive arts therapy” i believe. but yes, i agree — music works wonders on weary souls. i love that music and chai lattes bring you happiness :) there is something lovely about a warm drink, isn’t there?

      thank you for sharing! i think i’ll make sure to listen to some uplifting, inspiring music today :)

  2. Zoe, girl. Your first few paragraphs make me light up – I’m so happy to hear these wonderful things for you, and as a friend – I totally want you to believe in these things and yourself – yes, you can trust!
    It’s hard though, coming from someone who lacks so much trust in, well….a lot of things. The whole lying in bed breathing thing – I notice that when I wake up. Sometimes I make myself more tired as to avoid getting out of bed and starting the day. I thinkt that tension sometimes is good – because then when you release it, you feel just the opposite – free and light.

    Maybe do something physical like so: purposefully tense yourself up, all your muscles, your breathing, whatever – hold for a few seconds – and then let go. Sometimes I like the feeling of tension when I’m upset and anxious – so then I increase it on purpose, release, and repeat, release. Do it with each muscle in your body if you can! That way – YOU are in control.

    Does that make sense? We used to do this “exercise” in elementary school field trips and stuff and I just love it. Ha – now I’m going to use it as it’s been a while…

    You are such an insightful writer, and I’m so grateful to witness it.
    Bonne nuit,
    Hannah

    • i love that idea, hannah! i’ve never even thought about it. it’s true — our bodies hold a lot of our stress. actually feeling the release would probably be super beneficial! thanks thanks thanks. yous tha best :)

  3. Your post really resonated with me as well. Sometimes, I feel like I am stuck in this state of anxiety where I too am never taking in a full breath. When I realize that I’ve been living like this for years I become scared shitless. I start to panic because wow this is no way to be living and although I have really been making efforts to relieve my anxiety, to trust myself, and truly love myself, sometimes I do feel like I am only inching forward! BUT I find that even these thoughts are fleeting. Some days I really do realize how far I’ve come. In no time the habits of love and trust you have been working so hard to develop will have outlived your old habits!!! :) That’s a pretty crazy idea to me and also sooo cool!

    This may sound silly, but do you have any little kids in your life that you could play with? I have found babysitting once a week for my nephew(1) and niece(4) to be extremely therapeutic. One day we spent the whole afternoon speaking in only meows and other cat sounds to each other and using body language to communicate. Not only was it so much fun, but it really helps to put things in perspective for me to see the world through the lenses of children. Young children are really beautiful examples of endless love and acceptance! I know when I am around young kids and get to use that creative and imaginative part of my mind in a playful and not anxiety producing why it feels really great.

    ANNND I know you feel the same way because you’ve mentioned it a few times on the blog… Have you danced recently?!? That is ALWAYS sooo therapeutic for me. I love putting on music and just letting lose. I often think, I am my most honest and pure self when I am dancing.

    Hope this helps :) Also really great to hear about all the wonderful things in your life! I am really happy for you! Thanks for continuing to write!

    • emily, thank you for answering!

      i spend roughly 30 hours a week with two kids because i am a nanny! i completely agree, kids are something special and bring a lightness to my days and help me be less serious. sometimes my patience isn’t there, but they teach me that, too. also super funny: me and my littlest guy meow at each other all the time! haha, it must be a four year old deal :)

      funny, too, you mention dancing. right after i posted this i danced for like, a half hour! i too think we are our most honest and pure selves while dancing or creatively expressing!

      thanks again, and i hope you are well today!

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